Be OK

A Prayer for Redemption

This man haunts me
I love him and can’t stand the idea of being with him
We grew up together
We grew apart

He is my youth and he was my hopes and my dashed dreams
He was my scapegoat and my persecutor
He was my best friend and my life preserver
He was my cheerleader and my sparring partner
He was my enemy and my lover
He was my life

24 years together and 5 apart
Still he holds the majority of my adult life
And too many of my thoughts

I’m so happy, finally, so deliriously happy and free
And yet, I’m so sad
I feel guilty
I feel powerless
I am condemned

No one prepared me for this cacophony of feelings
It’s heart wrenching
How can I truly enjoy and celebrate my happiness when I don’t know he’s OK?
I want him to be OK

I hope and pray for his happiness
I worry and fret for his future
I long to know that he is fulfilled
I resist the impulse to check…to know

I want his heart to be free and to soar
I want his arms to be full of love and affection
I want his home to be cozy, safe and warm
I want his life to be rich and full and wonderful

I want to be free of caring about what I have no control over
I want to rest in the knowing that I didn’t cause harm
But there is no way to know that
Because I have caused harm

For years, I caused harm to those I love and myself
Today, it’s mainly myself — this condemnation
This regret and guilt over past mistakes, actions, impulses
This belief that to take care of myself, I had to damage the life of people I love

This man, I love
Not like a lover
Not like a friend
Like a damaged part of myself that is tender and raw
And I want so desperately to heal

Be OK, Michael!!!!
Please be OK
Be happy and free
Safe and secure
Richly fulfilled
Affectionately loved

It would so much easier to enjoy my happiness if I knew
If I knew, for sure, that you are OK