The Flow Beats Brute Force
Is there no end to unworthiness? Every time I think I have it licked, something happens, and it rises back up. The most common trigger is something wholly unexpected and delightful.
Some people believe when you have the same thing happen repeatedly, there’s a lesson for you in it. It will keep repeating until you learn the lesson. The weird and crazy occurrence is career success. I know! It sounds insane, but I have had multiple experiences over the past three years, where I have had unanticipated raises and promotions. I work in an environment where these things tend to follow a pattern, and my occurrences have been out of design.
For decades, I have built my career with brute force. I worked long hours, brought my most forceful type-A personality into the office daily, leveraged my authority, strived to meet every expectation from bosses, peers, and employees. It was exhausting, but I got my need for external validation met and found it to be a reliable recipe for success.
A few years ago, with 5 or 6 years of recovery under my belt and an insatiable desire for serenity, I made a bold decision. I had just accepted a long-sought-after promotion and went to work for a demanding, high-performing machine of a woman. I wanted the title and prestige, but moving from a familiar role that I could easily manage into a new environment where additional effort would be required threatened my balance and peace. I wanted to test a theory: that you didn’t have to be crazy and “always-on” to be successful at that level. There were no role-models for another way, but I wanted to try. I told myself that I would rather fail at work than lose my calm. I decided success would be measured against the state of my well-being, not the rating and opinion of my company. For someone like me, addicted to praise and affirmation and convinced that the only way to get it was to push and fight and force, this was going to be a challenge. Would I be strong enough to fail?
What I have experienced defies explanation and keeps shaking me to my core. I keep getting promoted! I keep receiving high ratings. I’m seriously working less and more at ease than I ever have, literally waiting to be found out and fired. The surprise is that I am consistently met with accolades and encouragement. How can that be? I feel guilty half the time because I’m not killing myself. I see my co-workers stressed, and I see so much more I could be doing, but I don’t the motivation to do more than what I think is necessary. I have dreams of escaping the corporate machine, but it just keeps pouring out love on me.
I’ve done a lot of work on self-acceptance. I’ve become acutely aware of the unconscious belief I hold that I don’t do enough, I don’t have enough, and that I’m not enough. I have a deep sense of shame and unworthiness, which is why my drug of choice is external approval. I tap dance for affirmation. I’ll figure out precisely what you want or need, give it to you, get the appreciation, bask in it for a few moments before the need for another hit strikes, and repeat the cycle. It’s exhausting and dissatisfying. So I’ve adopted some techniques for combating it. I’ve found little messages I tell myself when I feel it rise or when I get anxious before a meeting, a presentation, or a difficult conversation. I tell myself, “I get my value from God and God alone…not the opinion of my co-workers, not the rating on my review, not the appreciation of my leaders.” I say, “do your best; give God the rest,” or “God is my Source, all of my needs are met.” These messages help. They offer a little relief and provide just a little space between me and my anxiety, fear, or shame.
Even with this work, somehow, when these unexpected “successes” happen, I am shaken. I get scared, experience sadness, and feel bewildered. I find myself in disbelief and saying, “how is this possible”? I guess I have a deep-seated viewpoint that success only comes with hard work. Isn’t that the truth? I mean, I do believe that. In fact, the quote in my signature on my work email is, “hard work beats talent when talent won’t work hard.” …but here’s the thing, I’m not working hard.
I’ve been told a spiritual truth, that hard work isn’t required; you simply need to get into the flow of the Universe. I so want to believe that’s true, and I’ve had many experiences that support it inside and outside of work, but it is at odds with that more deeply rooted belief that success only comes with hard work. I guess that’s it! I’m so surprised when the natural flow produces better results than the sheer muscle of brute force. It’s a delightful idea.
It’s so fascinating. I hold both beliefs. They are contradictory. I want one or the other to be true. I want it to be black or white. I want predictability. I want security. I think, maybe, both beliefs are true. I’m always apt to undervalue myself. It’s not uncommon for me to believe that I am not doing enough, but I have gifts that are valuable and just come easy for me. I see people whose talents are different from mine and who I could only hope to emulate with excessive, persistent, and focused effort, so I see them as more valuable than mine. But maybe they aren’t more significant. Perhaps they are equal in value. Perhaps the hard work I do doesn’t seem that hard because it leverages my natural talents. And maybe my decision to align with peace; to find and try to stay in the flow allows those talents and my attention to be given to the things that matter and not wasted on things that don’t.
Just for today, I’m sticking with my decision to prioritize my peace and balance. Don’t work too hard!
